Ever since we learned of Logan's heart condition I have had a sense that Logan knew before he came to Earth to get a body that his body might not be perfect. He has been an extra special spirit from the moment he was born. Relying on those feelings through this brings some comfort, but it doesn't make watching my baby suffer any easier. I feel like Brad and I have tried to make God a part of every decision we have made for Logan. So when things didn't turn out how I thought they should it has taken some soul searching to accept this and not be too discouraged. I say too discouraged because I would be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged at all. I have had my share of meltdowns in Brad's arms asking why if SO many faithful people were praying for Logan, WHY didn't it work out how WE all wanted it to. But I find absolutely no comfort in questioning why, this only seems to make things harder. The only comfort I have been able to find is when I think how perfect and sweet my little Logan is, that Heavenly Father must know better than I do. And that I must need to figure out His will and accept that. When I stop trying to solve everything myself and just let be, be- that is the only time I feel peace. So I don't really understand how faith and prayers work- I only know I am not the one in control.
This has been my view as I've been writing. My sweet husband getting his snuggle time with Logan. He has to keep Logan's back to me because if he sees me he won't let anyone else hold him.
Being so far from home and only having each other to rely on is a true test of love and friendship. Brad is STILL my very best friend, and our marriag is only stronger. My sister keeps asking me if we are sick of each other yet... my answer is no, I guess you'll have to ask Brad what his answer is.