The Journey of a Sweet Little Boy and His Special Heart

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Faith, Prayers, and Feelings

I have been thinking a lot about faith, prayers and my feelings this week.  I have an on going battle in my head on how I feel about all that has gone on this month.  Some days I feel at peace, other days I am mad, but mostly I am sad.  Not sad for me, but sad for Logan.  I don't care if it becomes a full time job taking care of Logan's medical needs, if it drains our savings, and if I don't sleep at night ever again.  The hardest part for me to come to grips with is knowing a little of what Logan is going to have to battle the rest of his life. That is what breaks my heart. 

Ever since we learned of Logan's heart condition I have had a sense that Logan knew before he came to Earth to get a body that his body might not be perfect.  He has been an extra special spirit from the moment he was born.  Relying on those feelings through this brings some comfort, but it doesn't make watching my baby suffer any easier.  I  feel like Brad and I have tried to make God a part of every decision we have made for Logan.  So when things didn't turn out how I thought they should it has taken some soul searching to accept this and not be too discouraged.  I say too discouraged because I would be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged at all. I have had my share of meltdowns in Brad's arms asking why if SO many faithful people were praying for Logan, WHY didn't it work out how WE all wanted it to.  But I find absolutely no comfort in questioning why, this only seems to make things harder.  The only comfort I have been able to find is when I think how perfect and sweet my little Logan is, that Heavenly Father must know better than I do.  And that I must need to figure out His will and accept that.  When I stop trying to solve everything myself and just let be, be- that is the only time I feel peace.  So I don't really understand how faith and prayers work- I only know I am not the one in control. 
 This has been my view as I've been writing.  My sweet husband getting his snuggle time with Logan.  He has to keep Logan's back to me because if he sees me he won't let anyone else hold him.
Being so far from home and only having each other to rely on is a true test of love and friendship.  Brad is STILL my very best friend, and our marriag is only stronger.  My sister keeps asking me if we are sick of each other yet... my answer is no, I guess you'll have to ask Brad what his answer is.


  1. I appreciate that you are so willing to share your feelings through this whole ordeal. I'm sure it's only a sliver of all that's really going on.
    Especially having an 8 month old, like Logan, I can't even imagine how hard it must be to see him have to go through all he is. What a tough little guy.
    You and your cute family continue to be in our prayers and I know that the Lord knows what good parents you are and how hard you are trying to always do the right thing.

  2. You are great parents, doing the best you can with the cards you are delt.

  3. Such a hard thing to go through and such a sweet little Logan. Thanks for sharing. I don't totally understand either, but you're right. Heavenly Father's the one in charge. I guess believing that is what faith is. You guys are still in our prayers. You have such a cute little family and a special little guy. Keep hanging in there!

  4. It felt like the one month mark was so tough. You have already been through your share of ups and downs, you are far away from family and support, and you don't dare mention home because you know it is just a cursed word! Hang in there. Right now, it might feel like Logan's health is a full time job, but even as a single ventricle kiddo, it will not be long until you have to look back at pictures to remind yourself that he is not just like any other baby.

    I had a good friend with a 5 year old HLHS boy tell us just after Grant was born that she believed her son was given half of a heart because there would be no way they would be able to keep up with him if he had all four chambers. I laughed then, but it gave me hope and now I can echo her words! Grant at almost 2 is such a mischief maker, his energy never runs out, he can run circles around me, and only his little blue lips remind me that he is a gift. One day at a time. Let's get Mr. Logan recovered from all those major surgeries and home with his siblings...the best medicine (for mom and dad too!).

  5. The broken heart as a parent of a single ventricle child is always with you. Somedays you won't feel it, somedays you won't even remember it, somedays it hurts like heck. These kids are amazing. I cherish every smile Zoe flashes at me and truly appreciate each and every day - with her and my heart healthy toddler. I am a new person since Zoe's birth. I love the new me. Even though the road traveled to get to this new me was incredibly difficult, I am thankful. I've met so many wonderful heart moms, dads, warriors and angels on this journey and my heart is so full. I am lucky. You are lucky. You may not see it just yet, but you will. Stay strong and keep hope alive.